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Feb. 3rd, 2010

And here are the last words of the day...

So my previous entry was most of what I had to say, but this one is the conclusion, I guess you can say. Anyways, it's kind of just come up in my mind more so than it did before, but it's come and gone in my mind. This particular thought. It's a painful thought, I might add. It's the thought of knowing I wasn't always "That Special Someone" in her life. I gave into temptation recently and came across some old photos. And it hurts to see them. Knowing that I wasn't even known in her life. I literally didn't exist to her. Someone else made her feel like the Princess that she truly is. Someone else gave her affection and love and spent time and money and made memories and kissed and held hands with and danced with and spent hours and days and weeks months and...years with. Giving time and affection. Caring, worrying for, thinking of. It wasn't Jacob Short. It's not a horrible thing that that's all true. It's just a tough fact to live with. And I don't think too many people think about that stuff. I'm pretty sure MOST people don't think about things like that with their girl/boyfriend. But, social networks are seriously...NOT good for relationships. Haha. Especially long distance relationships.

Anyways, It's tough seeing pictures. Knowing these things. I went snooping and got what I had coming. I have NO business looking in those places. And I know it hurts Kim when she knows I do that. And I apologize. My intentions aren't to hurt or to hurt myself, but...it just happens. I can't explain it. I'll just take blame and apologize. I feel like the next 21 and 1/2 years are years I want to make up for NOT being in her life. I want to take all her pain! Isn't that insane?? I want to take all her pain and give her all the happiness in the ENTIRE world!!! Love is an insane thing. And I love Kimberly. More than words can honestly describe. I feel like her and I coming together was NOT in any way, an accident. It was meant to happen! It was all meant to happen on the dates it did and times it did. It wasn't an accident. I just HATE the thought of not being in her life. Knowing that in 2008, Jacob Short didn't know Kimberly Medina. 2007, Jacob Short didn't know Kimberly Medina. 2006, I didn't know Kimberly. Kimberly had no idea who Jacob Short was! 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002...etc...it's hard to swallow. Knowing...it wasn't meant to be til' late April 2009. We weren't meant to actually meet til March and then Communicate in April! I'm sooo happy we met! I love you, Kimberly Medina...I love you.

Thank you for everything...

I wasn't always there.

I can't believe I haven't written in this thing since SEPTEMBER! But, what's crazier, is September doesn't feel like it was that long ago. But it was. It was 5 months ago. And my goodness so much has happened. Well, I got my GED. I passed! The first try too. Kim and I...we went through a lot. More than I ever want to ever again! It's been a challenge and a blessing being with Kimberly. Her and I have grown on more than one level. As a couple and as individuals. I'm happy...most of the time. Now, lately, some things came up. And the worst part of it is that I already knew it, but it's like...becoming more of a reality. It actually DID happen. And I couldn't do anything about it. The other night, I was looking at my journal at the dates that took place at the same time and...I think to myself, "you were doing this and worrying about that...and you couldn't just fly to Florida and stop it from happening???" But, then I come back down to reality and realize that...this crap happens. What are you going to do?

Anyways, thru October and November, things got a little rough between Kim and I. Especially during November if I rememeber correctly. I think it was the end of November when her and I got into a serious...battle. Not really a battle, but...we just had this...split feeling. She wanted space from me. I was so confused. And hurt. I'll never forget it too. But now, we've worked thru it. But the memory isn't a pleasant one to have. They were tough times.

December was alright from what I can remember. A lot of it was spent waiting on January to come! And Christmas brought GTA IV and online gaming into our relationship! It was awesome! And finally, January came. We were able to finally, after 5 months...5 MONTHS!!!...meet again, hold one another. To kiss and hug and laugh and smile. We had an awesome trip! We agree it was MUCH better than the first. Well, now that the trip is all over, we're looking forward to the end of March and early April. Spring Break! I'm going to Florida. Im going to meet the Medina's. I'm going to visit Weston, Florida for the very first time. I'm excited to see where she has been living! Anyways, that's all that has been on my mind. Needed to let this all out.

Sep. 18th, 2009

the midnight show.

sometimes, and trust me, i don't know why...but...i get so pissed off lately. i use to not be this way. i mean, i've always had a short fuse...at times. but the way things have gone lately have just been...leaving me with a sour taste in my mouth. and believe me, i do NOT like it. sometimes i hate it so much that i inflict my own pain on myself to outdo the pain caused by others. caused by my own stupid actions, thoughts control. anyways, it makes it quite difficult to focus on whatever may be in front of me throughout the day. like....work or tests, or good things like family being in town or concerts. i'm such a mess to be with...to call a boyfriend. oh well. because one day, i'll be nothing more than a memory, nothing more than a remembrance. i don't have a legacy that will live on...or great stories. i have nothing. just a life full of jokes, funny kid in the classroom, boyfriend to regret. NOTHING.

I took my GED test today. and i'm seeing the Killers tomorrow. pretty excited.

Aug. 24th, 2009

9 days late, a few dollars short..

well, today was the first day back at school. and my first day back at safekey. it's such a nice school, the staff are the kind staff i'd want to work with. the lead is anal and strict and i like that. she has a system and she wants people to follow it. i'd much rather have that than have some lead who barely has any idea and doesn't care what you do. that right there would get not only the lead in trouble, but everyone under them. so anyways, the only downside to it all is the distance in which i have to drive twice a day. and that REALLY sucks. but, i MUST stay positive. which isn't like me. and if you know me, you're probably thinking, "wow...jacob must be on happy pills." inside joke, boo. anyways, yeah that's that.

so, the trip with Kimberly is-hard to believe-done with. it really sucks too. it was weird because Kim and I agreed then and now that the trip seemed to go kind of slow but at the same time, kind of fast too. but nonetheless, her and i had a ton of fun!! lots of good memories. lots of laughing, joking, smiling, and all that good stuff. we didn't do all that much, but we just had a blast! eating hot cheeto fries late at night and watching funny movies. we watched Tremors, Madagascar 2, The Godfather, Corky Romano, Wall-E...i think that's it. anyways, just a great time with the love of my life. i love you, Kimberly Marie Medina! <3 <3 <3.

anyways, right now, we're playing Uno on facebook. dang, i love this girl. anyways, that's that.

Aug. 11th, 2009

14th-22nd.

well, it's been about 4 months since i met this girl named Kimberly. things have been up and down. when things get good, they get bad soon after. but it hasn't always been that way. at times it was very great. other times, it felt like it was all coming to an end. through the weeks and months prior to this weekend, we've gone through a lot. worked on things. we've read 2 books. we've argued. we've watched movies, we've cried, we've laughed....it's been an emotional roller-coaster. i won't lie, there are times during those months that i DO NOT want to live over. but nonetheless, we're here now. we're still standing. glad to say that too. and on this friday, we will meet for the very first time in person. a pretty big deal for us. 39 days was the beginning of the countdown. and it's now down to 2 and 1/2. not too shabby.

i woke up this morning contemplating what will happen. i've also been having this mind frame that comes from this character in a book her and I read called Kissing Doorknobs. the character's name is Tara. and she has these images in her head of horrible things happening to her parents. and of course, i don't want horrible things happening to Kimberly, but i guess i'm weird like that. anyways, i wonder how the flight will go. if she gets lost. if i die before friday. i don't know, i'm weird like that. anyways, i'm just eager for the 14th to get here. eager to meet her. but not too eager. cause i'm very much so anticipating it.

in this past time i've had with Kimberly, a lot of emotions have gone through me. like when we first met, it really just started out as a crush. then it escalated into a thing of us talking on a regular basis. i started falling for her. and i believe she did too. i mean, we're in love today. but at that time, she had feelings for me as i did for her. she just wasn't verbal about it as i might have been. anyways, she was in this relationship with this guy and she wasn't happy. so through most of the beginning, i was more of an advisor in her life. and it was hard because i was there as a friend and i tried so hard to hide my true feelings. and when the day came where she finally ended this rancid relationship, things really did change for the better...for us.

and now here we are, amidst the arguments, the disagreements and the tears and all that stuff, we're in love, we're stronger and we're ready to meet for the VERY first time. i'm so, so, so excited to finally meet her. my girlfriend, my love.

Jun. 16th, 2009

I need a night in Carcer.

so, i really need a PS2. i really, really miss playing my PS2 greats. like Manhunt and San Andreas. it's so strange, i'm so strange. i listen to my song and if i close my eyes, can feel it. if i see screenshots, i see it. if i think hard enough...it's like i'm there. i miss you. anyways, the summer sucks. i hate summers soo much. they're so lame. but it's nice to have someone like her around. so close, yet so far away. so yeah, i'm really going to do it. i've put this off since 2002. it's been way too long. I want to finish it and move on. be a better Jacob. 2.0 plus i'll probably get a cool gift a shit too. yay! anyways, that's it for now. it's still surprisingly cool outside. it's been sooo cloudy lately but it hasn't produced any moisture. or not enough really. anyways...that's it. bye now.

Jun. 11th, 2009

That's the new goal.

so, yeah i want to get back into writing in this thing regularly. i've been reading over all of my entries and it's inspiring me to do so. anyways, last i night i played a bunch of GTA IV. it was, as always, amazing! i really need to get a PS2 so i can play manhunt and san andreas and stuff and yeah and ok what? anyways, kim is awesome.

jacob.

Jun. 9th, 2009

I remember.

so last night, i opened up to someone. and this someone is a pretty awesome person. anyways, i opened up about my love for things. stuff like Manhunt, GTA...the usual stupid stuff. anyways, i felt dumb because to me, and what i opened up about, means literally...the WORLD to me. and when i take my mind back to those times, it can really hurt. it can seriously bring me down. but sometimes, i enjoy that feeling. the feeling of being there and not here. sometimes, it just feels like "anywhere but here" and i know that's not good. but, sometimes, i just can't help it.

anyways, i spent the night at daniel's house. i love watching Neeley. i love that dog. <3

Jun. 5th, 2009

a close call.

earlier this week, i almost lost my job. it was pretty scary. the thought of not working under my current employer was an enticing thought, but losing my income was scary as all hell. so now, i'm just sitting in my boxers listening to the Cure. of course, right? i've actually been falling in love with the Kiss Me album. haha. i love it sooo much. i'm not too sure what else to say. i've been wanting a PS2 because i've honestly been craving Manhunt and San Andreas and stuff. oh well.

so next week, i start summer fun at the downtown rec center. not really excited about it. i really hate my job now. i really have to watch my back. more so now because i have my bosses breathing down my neck, on my case about one thing or another. i just want to enjoy this weekend before having to go bow down to them day after day. i kinda hope the summer flies by. who knows, i might have an awesome summer. i don't see it, but i could be totally wrong. we'll see.

Mar. 31st, 2009

Insomnia.

Hey, it's been a long time since I've written in this thing. I've been meaning to, but sometimes i just get out of the mood of writing. anyways, i've been fighting serious insomnia. and it's really getting old. last night though, i got some sleep which felt great. but i just want it to be that way for good now. anyways, i've been doing semi-alright. i can't believe it's already April. seems like this year just started. where does the time go? i ask myself that all the time. well, i don't think i have much else to say. i love manhunt. and manhunt 2. and i hope one day, they make manhunt 3. oh and by the way, i finally got my PS3. and i got GTA 4. and Killzone 2. :). Yay.

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